I’ve been fantasizing about spending the day in bed… naked. With red wine. And cookies. And the White Album. And, oh yeah, another person.
I’m not sure who this other person might be. Dashing? So unlikely the mere thought makes me scoff out loud at my ridiculous pain-inducing hope.
There’s a new friend on the horizon… Possibly more than one.
But what I’m drooling over in these flights of fancy is not passion. It’s not about sex or even the nakedness. It’s about the intimacy. I just want to literally and figuratively remove all the barriers between myself and some other person.
I am having vivid dreams of laying naked in a bed reading the Sunday paper with someone.
I am so starved for affection that the idea of being near someone who might brush against my skin is distractingly pleasant. Painfully good to imagine.
And the stupid part? If I could just get over Dashing, I could have this with someone else. If I could love him less, so that I could give up on making it work, or love him more so that I could be even less selfish and stop wanting him to return my affection in the way that I need… This stalemate is driving me a little crazy, which is making me a little twitchy, because I feel a change coming… like a barometric shift. Something’s gotta give… I hope this time it isn’t me.
I just want to play Scrabble, naked, in bed.
And we’re back to the fantasy… Someone pass me a napkin… Or a bib.
Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category
I’ve been fantasizing about spending the day in bed… naked. With red wine. And cookies. And the White Album. And, oh yeah, another person.
OK, reaching out again, to the world, one baby step at a time, and trying not to trip over my own d*mn feet. Literally and figuratively.
Learning how to walk again has been painful. And time consuming. And is still ongoing.
Learning how to love again, or still, or something… Well, it’s time to stop wishing and hoping, Dusty, and get back to feeling good. Or anything.
So starting small. This all-or-nothing gal is learning patience the hard way.
And if I’m going to see the big picture, I have to see myself as part of it.
From Black and White to Shades of “Grey”: Does being left at the altar mean the end of a relationship?
A certain popular television series got me thinking tonight. When do you know it’s right to join your life to another? To add him or her to your hub of your community? To allow him or her access to your other communities?
When do you know it’s right to become married?
I say “become married” rather than “get married” because I do not believe that marriage is something you acquire. Achieve, perhaps, grow into, most certainly, but pick up like eggs and milk from the corner store? No.
Also, I believe it is possible to become married without having a wedding. If you throw the law out of it (which it should be), and if you throw out definitions using variations of the same word (sloppy), then we see the third definition in Merriam-Webster as being:
Which is entirely possible to develop without celebrating it, without publicly stated vows, without rings or things or kitchen sinks…
Now, I am not discounting the importance of weddings. I do not believe that in general they are frivolous affairs which change nothing in any relationship. I believe they can be quite transformative, but that every wedding may not necessarily be so.
I’m simply questioning the all-encompassing significance our society places on the altar. Is it truly necessary to have a wedding in order to enter that state of intimate union with another?
And, as in the case of our fine characters who inspired this line of thought, can a relationship survive one of the two not making it to the altar? How devastating to the relationship must it be?
I can understand that to the individual left waiting it must be a tremendous blow to the ego, and to your faith and trust in the other person, and that latter part necessitates that it must affect the relationship – but must it be devastating?
An intimate or close union. Union. That requires two people, two wants, two needs, two schedules, and two perspectives to consider.
And I believe one can be entirely ready for a marriage, for an intimate union, for a partnership of that magnitude, and yet, not be ready for a wedding.
Obviously communication is key, but if you are planning a wedding (and hopefully the after-wedding) with a person, and you show up on the day, brimming with certainty and anticipation and a certain amount of trepidation… and that person simply doesn’t arrive… Does it change who he or she is? Does it change who he or she is to you? Does it change what you want from/with him or her? Do you stop loving him and wanting her and needing him or her?
Or can you accept that it happened and move on and still be with him or her?
Is that too much? Is it an act devoid of self-respect to stay on? To continue the relationship after inconsideration and perceived rejection and (typically) intimate public humiliation?
Obviously, one cannot know until one is in such a position, but I can tell you what I hope from myself, and my partners:
Perhaps I am too romantic. Perhaps I was raised by parents who demonstrated such unconditional love that I can’t imagine any singular act on it’s own changing that type of bond.
But that’s just it.
“I love you forever” doesn’t come with caveats. Unless you put them there.
Perhaps it’s the divorced child in me, but I’ve had enough of secrets and ifs and situational relationships. A marriage is not the place for them. Not for me, anyhow. By the time I’m looking down an aisle (or trail, or path, or ribbon, or slip’n’slide – whatever we set up), I would hope that I am already considering that person waiting for me to be my partner, and for I to be his or hers. We would already be family. Our marriage would already have begun, and would not be solely dependent on a wedding happening that hour, that day, or at all.
You shouldn’t have to say “I’ll have an intimate union with you, only after we sign documents/speak vows/party with family,” it should be a process. An ongoing ever-evolving process. I hope I wake up everyday from the moment I know that person to be part of my family and think to myself “Today, I marry you” whether there’s a wedding or not.
What do you hope for in such an experience? Please share your story below.
So what is a community? Why do we seek it out? Why do we spend all this energy cultivating it? Why do we need it?
Well, I believe a community is a collection of people or things with a relationship to one another; usually with the aspiration of being greater than the sum of its parts. Two people can form a community, a very intimate one, albeit. And one person alone can have a community of the mind or of passion or of achievement – by collecting and experiencing art, literature, and sport.
When we are born we rely on our family, our first community to provide for us, to keep us alive. We are dependent.
As we grow, our independence grows, too, and I think as adults we have a hard time balancing that desire and pride in providing for oneself, in achieving goals without the assistance of others and yet allowing ourselves to find those on whom we can depend. Why should we? Especially in this day and age of technology and superstores we ought to be self-sufficient, yes?
That need of others is still there, sometimes deep within. And the fact is, we are stronger in numbers. Emotionally, physically, and mentally we grow more in relation to our experiences, and the more people, activities, and geography we include in our communities, the more experience we cultivate, the stronger we become.
I say “more” but I mean it qualitatively as well as quantitatively. A man might visit all seven continents in a year while another has spent a lifetime studying in minute detail the 10 square miles surrounding his home – who has seen more of the world? I leave it to you to decide for yourself.
This begins to explain why we seek out and cultivate communities, and I’ve begun to speak of several definitions of what a community might include.
But what about you? Why do you seek out a community? Do you seek one out at all? How do you define it? What do you include in it? Please, let me know, I’m curious to hear what others think on this.
According to Hayleigh, the rules are: 1. Link back to the person who nominated you. Check. 2. Attach the icon to your site. See above. 3. Answer the questions. See below. 4. Nominate people whose blogs you love. And I might add they probably should be personal blogs, written by someone about whom you are curious??
At any rate, I have Hayleigh’s questions to answer first:
- Who is your favourite actor/actress?
Hmm… Growing up that would have been Judy Garland. Today, I have to go with Charlize Theron for her chameleon-like ability to change her appearance with nearly every role she takes on. Or Bernadette Peters – woman keeps getting more and more brilliant. It’s unreal.
- Your all time favourite book?
Really? Only one? Hmmm…. I’ve talked about some of my favourites here, and I’m currently reading (re-reading) the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini… hmm. My most read book is probably The Perilous Guard by Elizabeth Marie Pope, my most comforting is the Anne Series culminating with Rilla of Ingleside as (in my humble opinion) the most provoking of the lot. My most challenging is either Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones – as they are epics, complex and full of unspoken histories and barely whispered connections until the plot twists and lays bare one tiny aspect for viewing. I continue to think though, of books I read as a child, those which left an impression, but which I do not have the luxury of perusing over and over again – Good Bye Pink Pig by Carole S. Adler, Behind the Attic Wall by Sylvia Cassedy, and Summer of the Swans by Betsy Byars. My favourite book is undoubtedly the last one I have read, or the one I seek out next.
- If you could have one superpower for the day, what would it be and why? Hmmm, well, my current superpowers aside… I think I would like the ability to hear and understand thoughts. I’d like to know what others think of me, sure, but also how they form thoughts, how they perceive the things and events around them… It would be difficult to bear, no doubt, but ultimately I could gain much wisdom.
- Is there anything you’d change about the country you live in? The apathy of our citizens, the assumptions of power of our politicians, the petty discord of neighbours, and yet, I would not, because it is only by those things changing organically that we as a society would grow. It’s all about growing pains, right?
- Favourite restaurant/food? My food. I’m a good cook, and I know how I like it. See my feast of inspiration. I’d rather cook than eat out.
- Most inspirational person?
Dashing. My mother. My father. My stepmom. My sister. All those whom I do not understand, and yet wish I did. Those whom in growing to know them, I learn of myself.
- why do you like to blog? Who said I like it? I do, I just want to know who is spilling my secrets that isn’t me… It’s one part therapy, one part accountability, and one part social entertainment.
- Your earliest memory? I remember hanging out with my father and his friends as they relaxed with a couple of beers after having set up a swingset at the house of a family friend. They were hot and sweaty, and they removed their shirts and lounged in the shade. I was about three at the time, and I wanted to take off my shirt, too. My father laughed and told me I couldn’t because I was a girl. I was angry, and frustrated, because I did not understand his reasoning.
- Do you like cookies?
Umm, yes. Yes, I do. Quite a bit, actually.
- Best holiday you’ve ever been on?
Hmm… that depends on how you define ‘holiday.’ I would say the time I took a week, and told no one where I was going, drove to Dashing’s apartment and stayed there. I cooked, wandered the town while he worked, watched movies, napped, enjoyed solitude and then he would come home and we would pass the evening together. I had all I wanted for one week.
Alright, now for my questions and the list of those to whom I will pass this meme – I must admit it’s been a nice amount if introspection.
To Mr. Lady, Tanis, metamorphocity, Vanessa, and Smitten Immigrant – your mission, should you choose to accept it – and no one will be hurt if you don’t – is to answer the following, and ask your own questions in turn:
1. If you yourself could do anything right now, tonight, what would it be?
2. What was the last big ‘Aha!’ moment for you, what shaped it, and where did it go from there?
3. Do you have a favourite pair of socks?
4. What is your favourite smell?
5. What would you like to get for your next birthday/Christmas/gift giving event?
Thank you, all, good luck, and good night!
I want to waltz under the stars in Paris. I want to sing with a jazz band in New Orleans. I want to swim with dolphins. I want to eat at a really good restaurant in New York City. I want to photograph architecture in Quebec City. I want to make a feast at midnight in my own kitchen, in my own home…
I ‘d cook Cornish Game Hens, and asparagus with orange juice, and two kinds of potatoes, and lime soup, and chocolate pudding, and fruit salad with berries and mint and basil and a syrupy vinaigrette. I’d have a plain mixed greens salad with a simple lemon juice and mustard dressing, garlicky toasted baguette slices and possibly some kind of cheese fondue. Blueberry tarts and dinner rolls, and if someone was there to join me, I’d make them steak or ribs if they’d enjoy them…
I’d like to see a polar bear with my own eyes. In the wild, not in a zoo. And to sit around a campfire in the Serengeti.
I’d like to hear a story, older than written language, told by someone who knows it’s soul. Where are the storytellers today? I want to hold a child in my arms.
I want to sleep. Warm, and safe, and protected. In the wide open world, next to the surf of an ocean.
I want to buy furniture, rugs that don’t match the tapestries, tables without chairs, and make them all play nicely together.
I’d like to be joined.
I want to stand on a corner and hail a cab. I’d like to stop traffic as I crossed a street. I want to learn to whistle with my fingers…
I want to remember how to make castles in the air again, this time without the walls. To hope against hope…
I’d like to lead a revolution. I want to be a part of a change that I believe is good, and necessary, that will better the lives of those who come after, in the long run. I want to be part of the marathon, not a marathon, the marathon…
I’m not done yet.