I’ve been fantasizing about spending the day in bed… naked. With red wine. And cookies. And the White Album. And, oh yeah, another person.
I’m not sure who this other person might be. Dashing? So unlikely the mere thought makes me scoff out loud at my ridiculous pain-inducing hope.
There’s a new friend on the horizon… Possibly more than one.
But what I’m drooling over in these flights of fancy is not passion. It’s not about sex or even the nakedness. It’s about the intimacy. I just want to literally and figuratively remove all the barriers between myself and some other person.
I am having vivid dreams of laying naked in a bed reading the Sunday paper with someone.
I am so starved for affection that the idea of being near someone who might brush against my skin is distractingly pleasant. Painfully good to imagine.
And the stupid part? If I could just get over Dashing, I could have this with someone else. If I could love him less, so that I could give up on making it work, or love him more so that I could be even less selfish and stop wanting him to return my affection in the way that I need… This stalemate is driving me a little crazy, which is making me a little twitchy, because I feel a change coming… like a barometric shift. Something’s gotta give… I hope this time it isn’t me.
I just want to play Scrabble, naked, in bed.
And we’re back to the fantasy… Someone pass me a napkin… Or a bib.
Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
I’ve been fantasizing about spending the day in bed… naked. With red wine. And cookies. And the White Album. And, oh yeah, another person.
Alright, I took a week. I’m sorry, I’ve neglected you and didn’t tell you why or give you a heads up. We good?
If only it were that simple, right?
It comes back to this today. At work I am a Giver, with my friends, currently, I am a Giver, and with Dashing, I am equal parts Giver and Cleaner.
Even with family, especially this time of year, I am Giver/Cleaner.
I suppose we could say I use this blog to Take for myself, and it’s true, I do get something out of it (even more than this, although this was nice!). Or I wouldn’t keep doing it, right?
So when is it my turn in real life?
Well, if past experience serves, December? Not gonna be it.
See Christmas is in December, and my nearly Christian family thinks that means something…
Mini-rant: Why do we all have to celebrate holidays at the same time? I get that it makes things easier for employers and the government, but really? It’s so annoying when the shops all close down and when I was a shift-worker who didn’t get holidays with the rest of the country (hotels never close, yo. Service industry For The Win!) it was d*mn hard to keep track. Is this a holiday where I have to remember to buy groceries before the shops close, or is this a “holiday” where consumerism reigns and just the lucky government and school children stop working? I never knew until I was sitting in my car in an empty supermarket parking lot thinking “Wait… I know this… Crap, it’s that day!” And the reasoning behind specifically Christmas (which is my family’s argument every year) and that it’s not about taking the holiday with the rest of the country, it’s about that’s when it is, Baby Jesus couldn’t help being born on December 25th — EXCEPT THAT HE DID! Religious appropriation – puts Christmas right up there with Thanksgiving in my fake holiday book… End Rant. Continue: Mostly Thought Out Argument…
Add to that my birthday is in December, this past week actually. And from where I sit, birthdays rarely seem to be about the person growing older. Maybe it’s my div0rced-child roots showing but if the point is that it’s my daaaay and time for me to do whatever I want then couldn’t I forgo the party? Or by that logic, shouldn’t that be a mandated holiday every year (I had my first uni exam on my birthday, so holiday mandation could have been useful)? At the very least – could I go on a crime spree and have no repercussions? “Sorry officer, it’s my birthday and all I wanted to do today is race down the highway at 150 km/hr and invite myself inside some nice person’s home (side note: now that’s how to make friends!)… ”
It just feels like this period is all about me but not actually for me.
And maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.
I get that birthdays are on the surface about surviving another year, and presumably acknowledging one’s accomplishments, and celebrating one’s mistakes, self-reflection, finding enlightenment – but they seem to end up being about how your mother was very uncomfortable once upon a time or how your ex would really like to get drunk and lock himself in your bathroom (true story) or how your community really just wants an excuse to eat, drink and be merry – which means you smiling – a lot… I get that ultimately holidays are about celebrating family and togetherness and gratitude for our communities. I understand that is an easier feat to accomplish when it’s scheduled in the communities’ collective consciousness. I get that the date is not actually important so long as the intention is preserved.
Maybe I’m a Grinch. Maybe I just resent being told what to do and when to do it.
After all, if the point is to celebrate your community and show your gratitude for how they lift you up and preserve you from harm – isn’t making it easier kinda lazy? Wouldn’t it be more meaningful if you took time out and made a holiday happen instead of allowing a religious or governmental institution tell you when to do it?
Wouldn’t you appreciate one of your friends celebrating you on a day that isn’t your birthday more than having to say “It’s my birthday, let’s party, and you can buy me gifts/shots/lap dances?” If it’s not about the gift, if it’s about the thought behind the gift… then isn’t a gift “just because” better than a gift “because it’s [insert holiday]”?
One Last Mini-Rant On This Subject: And for the record, while I would really rather not get anything, if you must buy gifts, on behalf of anyone born in December or early January – Christmas themed gifts are not birthday presents! Buy some new wrapping paper – or use comic books, or newsprint, or fabric, or a dropcloth – stay away from red and green combos (unless the person you’re buying for actually likes that combination – which is cool if they do) and go for red OR green instead, and for goodness sake anything with snowflakes, Frosty, Santa, or reindeer are not welcome unless, you know, the recipient collects that stuff. I would rather you write me a poem, or make a card, or give a gift certificate, or put some thought into what I might like, versus, OK check, gift done. If you can’t find a mug/sweater/tchotchke that doesn’t have Christmas all over it for a winter birthday, you’re not really trying, and it’s kinda insulting. I’d rather not get anything at all. Seriously.
According to Hayleigh, the rules are: 1. Link back to the person who nominated you. Check. 2. Attach the icon to your site. See above. 3. Answer the questions. See below. 4. Nominate people whose blogs you love. And I might add they probably should be personal blogs, written by someone about whom you are curious??
At any rate, I have Hayleigh’s questions to answer first:
- Who is your favourite actor/actress?
Hmm… Growing up that would have been Judy Garland. Today, I have to go with Charlize Theron for her chameleon-like ability to change her appearance with nearly every role she takes on. Or Bernadette Peters – woman keeps getting more and more brilliant. It’s unreal.
- Your all time favourite book?
Really? Only one? Hmmm…. I’ve talked about some of my favourites here, and I’m currently reading (re-reading) the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini… hmm. My most read book is probably The Perilous Guard by Elizabeth Marie Pope, my most comforting is the Anne Series culminating with Rilla of Ingleside as (in my humble opinion) the most provoking of the lot. My most challenging is either Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones – as they are epics, complex and full of unspoken histories and barely whispered connections until the plot twists and lays bare one tiny aspect for viewing. I continue to think though, of books I read as a child, those which left an impression, but which I do not have the luxury of perusing over and over again – Good Bye Pink Pig by Carole S. Adler, Behind the Attic Wall by Sylvia Cassedy, and Summer of the Swans by Betsy Byars. My favourite book is undoubtedly the last one I have read, or the one I seek out next.
- If you could have one superpower for the day, what would it be and why? Hmmm, well, my current superpowers aside… I think I would like the ability to hear and understand thoughts. I’d like to know what others think of me, sure, but also how they form thoughts, how they perceive the things and events around them… It would be difficult to bear, no doubt, but ultimately I could gain much wisdom.
- Is there anything you’d change about the country you live in? The apathy of our citizens, the assumptions of power of our politicians, the petty discord of neighbours, and yet, I would not, because it is only by those things changing organically that we as a society would grow. It’s all about growing pains, right?
- Favourite restaurant/food? My food. I’m a good cook, and I know how I like it. See my feast of inspiration. I’d rather cook than eat out.
- Most inspirational person?
Dashing. My mother. My father. My stepmom. My sister. All those whom I do not understand, and yet wish I did. Those whom in growing to know them, I learn of myself.
- why do you like to blog? Who said I like it? I do, I just want to know who is spilling my secrets that isn’t me… It’s one part therapy, one part accountability, and one part social entertainment.
- Your earliest memory? I remember hanging out with my father and his friends as they relaxed with a couple of beers after having set up a swingset at the house of a family friend. They were hot and sweaty, and they removed their shirts and lounged in the shade. I was about three at the time, and I wanted to take off my shirt, too. My father laughed and told me I couldn’t because I was a girl. I was angry, and frustrated, because I did not understand his reasoning.
- Do you like cookies?
Umm, yes. Yes, I do. Quite a bit, actually.
- Best holiday you’ve ever been on?
Hmm… that depends on how you define ‘holiday.’ I would say the time I took a week, and told no one where I was going, drove to Dashing’s apartment and stayed there. I cooked, wandered the town while he worked, watched movies, napped, enjoyed solitude and then he would come home and we would pass the evening together. I had all I wanted for one week.
Alright, now for my questions and the list of those to whom I will pass this meme – I must admit it’s been a nice amount if introspection.
To Mr. Lady, Tanis, metamorphocity, Vanessa, and Smitten Immigrant – your mission, should you choose to accept it – and no one will be hurt if you don’t – is to answer the following, and ask your own questions in turn:
1. If you yourself could do anything right now, tonight, what would it be?
2. What was the last big ‘Aha!’ moment for you, what shaped it, and where did it go from there?
3. Do you have a favourite pair of socks?
4. What is your favourite smell?
5. What would you like to get for your next birthday/Christmas/gift giving event?
Thank you, all, good luck, and good night!
I have fallen behind on my Facebooking, but I should remedy that with putting some time in this weekend.
I went out last Friday, but to a concert, and I ducked out early, so I really didn’t get to spend much time actually interfacing with people. In my defense, I had to work overtime the next day… I know. It’s lame.
I have put an effort in to keeping in touch, via text and phone call, but I can feel it starting to slip. Now is the time to redouble my efforts, yes?
I haven’t organized any events though…
With the holidays coming up, everyone’s time is precious, and money is earmarked for other things: gifts, travel, rent, feasting, therapy…
So I’m trying to generate some quick, painless, cheap get-together ideas. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. Movie Marathon: Whether you watch Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Bad Boys and Bad Boys II, movie marathons are always fun, and if cheap if you already own them. Pop some popcorn, let your DVD (or VCR) machine do the real work, and have people BYOB. Done.
2. Bowling: At less than $20 per game, four people can have a lot of fun pretty cheaply. Plus competition – I hear you athlete types chomping at the bit already. And a plus against the movie marathon is that you can actually engage in conversation – more than just reciting everyone’s favourite lines as they come up that is.
3. Pub: A local watering hole to which people can walk or easily carpool can be cheap – it can also be pricey. It depends on how much people end up drinking, really. But at least the onus isn’t on the host, but each individual, so if they got the cash, and a safe way home, let ’em enjoy!
4. Potluck Party: I love potlucks. You get to try new things sometimes, and everyone takes home leftovers, and recipes are exchanged – it’s a great ice breaker and conversation starter, too! “Oh, you put green apple in your mashed potatoes – how interesting!” Plus, food, ‘nuf said.
And that’s all I got so far.
The problem with these is that they really depend on people being able to get together at the same time, which for my friends is pretty much a miracle. You throw corporate nine-to-fiver me in with shift working single moms and musicians and bartender/students and well, I guess Monday at 6:00 am might work for us all… But baby steps, right? So maybe I employ these with two or three people to start…
Or maybe I find a way to make that early Monday morning thing work… Wouldn’t that be cool, starting your day off bright and early with some straight-up friend time?
Any suggestions on cheap evenings (or mornings – seriously, I think I could be on to something here!) to spend with friends? What’s your go to get-together? Do you game? Video-thon? Evening walks? Organized sports? Let me know below, I could use the help!
I had a meeting with my boss today, and she asked me what my career goals were, as reviews are coming up.
Well, I took the job to become a home owner because my acting degree didn’t come with a sugar daddy and I hear hooking’s illegal here in Canada so… yeah, career goals.
Honestly though, I’m a go-getter. I excel at things. I’m one of those annoying people who can do just about anything, and do it pretty well, too. Even more irritating (to me) is that I can see myself doing just about anything. It makes choosing stressful (I know luxury problem, but still).
Now that I’m working for a big company with room to grow, people expect me to have career goals beyond “Make car payment this month” and “Invest in house in
fall winter spring.”
So in a company with fairly limitless options, and me with almost limitless potential, what the heck do I want to do?
And do I really want to do anything?
Because if I stop thinking of this job as a job, as a means to an end, as that place where they keep my paycheque, as that thing I must endure (almost) painlessly to be able to achieve my dream of homeownership, and uh, food… Then I am committing to a community and claiming it for my own.
Then those people I work with become those colleagues with whom I create products.
Those “work friends” might actually become work friends, and I might know these people for years – have barbecues with them, invite them to housewarmings, and baby showers, and – oh my god, I’ve married my work.
I really don’t think I’m a huge commitment-phobe, but my paid ambitions lie buried with my acting career. I want the house and the family – not the boardroom and the politics – right? I said, right?
Alright, I know I can have both. OK? Especially since I’m not engaged, not likely to get pregnant anytime soon, and have masses of brains wasting away in data entry – well, not so much wasting, as attempting to find ways to improve the systems and think my way out of a job… Details.
And having the higher paying job that committing to career-like ambition offers would make home-owning and family-having easier in the long run.
And I could still think of it as a job, right, just that thing I go and do for a third of each weekday? And I don’t have to make bffs 4ever with everyone there, I can simply be polite and encouraging and helpful and me – and leave them all at 5:00, right?
Or I could grow a little. Grow up a little, and embrace the adult-y-ness of the whole situation, and realize that I am not a student, not a starving artist, not actively living those lifestyles anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be part of those communities, while taking on new ones.
Or does it? Do I have to be a starving artist forever in order to relate to other starving artists who are both actively starving and actively artistic? If I keep the money, but fingerpaint on weekends, does that count? What if I keep the money, but fingerpaint, and generate an eating disorder? OK, whatever, I really like food, so that’s not gonna happen.
But, honestly, as your identity grows and changes, sometimes passions and communities leave you – does that mean you have to leave them?
When do you have to no longer self-identify as something? Is there a time when you ever must?
I don’t know the answers, but I do know this:
I am an actor. It is not what I do, it is what I am.
And I know that doesn’t help me with my present quandary of corporate career goals…
What do you think? Can you help? What advice would you give, or have you gotten in this type of circumstance? Let me know!
I know, everyone is very proud.
I’m having supper with one, and then meeting the other at a bar where more of our friends are playing (they have a band).
I’m a little nervous.
I mean, it’ll be fine, totally. Except that the last time I saw the one friend, I ended up crying about the state of Dashing and I in the middle of a restaurant, and the last time I saw the other, I offended her by being, well, me, and not thinking about the words I use while speaking (another plus of blogging!).
Mostly I’m nervous because when I get around people, I get excited. And when I get excited, I tend to get a little, um, EXCITED. I chit-chat-chitter away, speaking without filter, and then I end up spilling all my secrets (I can keep other people’s secrets, just not my own), which leads to crying. I cry. I’m a cry-er.
I didn’t cry for something like ten years, and now, I cry. Most often when angry or frustrated.
But anyway, I’m nervous about getting EXCITED and crying. Again. And talking too quickly and offending people. AGAIN.
But these are my friends, right? These are my people, the community I’m trying to preserve, right? We are there to support each other, and they know me. They usually find my quirks endearing, refreshing, even… right?
But what if…?
There’s a lot at stake, and I have to trust that it will get easier. The first step is always the hardest – it’s why I talk myself out of it so often.
Deep breath. Wish me luck!
How do you get over the hurdle to take a first step? Is it easy to trust your friends? To trust yourself? What do you think?
Sometimes all it takes is a little ego boost.
I was driving home in rush hour traffic, per usual, but it was sunny and beautiful out, possibly the last windows-down driving day of the year.
So I’m bopping out to Happy Days theme song on my local oldies radio station, and I glance up and there’s someone staring at me.
So I smile, because yeah, you caught me, I’m that geek singing out loud and dancing in my seat as I sit at a red light.
And this cute someone smiles back and bops a little himself. I laugh. The light turns green, we move forward.
So we share the road for awhile and I notice, he’s matching my speed even though his lane is wide open. Then he starts honking for my attention. I look over and he’s making a motion like talking on a telephone. I laugh, because really, it’s hilarious – who gets picked up in a traffic jam?
Then he calls over, “I want to call you!”
So I shout back, “Thank you!”
And we drive off into the October sunset.
Well, separately, I think he may have pulled into the next parking lot, because I lost him.
At any rate, it was an awesome end to a fairly soulless day.
So when Dashing and I were just barely thinking about courting, I made him a mixed CD. Full of songs that I liked and was listening to at that point in time.
We’d been friends for awhile, and were both getting out of long-term relationships in pretty messy ways. Mine I spoke of here, and his, well, his marriage was ending.
So I’d been listening to a lot of Matchbox 20 and Dusty Springfield. And I thought some of the songs might speak to him too, so I made him a mixed CD, and instead of labeling the song and artist, I wrote down who or what the song made me think of most.
I think I labelled Matchbox 20’s “Bed of Lies” as You and I labelled Dusty’s “I Close My Eyes and Count to Ten” as either Me or Us, I can’t remember how bold I was feeling at the time.
I made him cry. And then I made him blush.
Music has always been a huge part of our relationship, and a huge part of our individual lives.
For me, I grew up singing motown and rock and roll with my Daddy, and gradually included the Cranberries and Great Big Sea and other assorted artists from the contemporary era.
But I was never the kid who knew what music was in at the time. I didn’t listen to top 40 radio stations, and the songs were usually new-to-me at school dances. It actually took me until university to learn the difference between Prince and Michael Jackson… And they say people don’t learn anything useful at university any longer…
Now, I feel like the media surrounding a person really speaks to and about that person. When I read Lucy Maud Montgomery, I speak and think like Anne Shirley. When I read non-fiction I get introspective and then turn those reflections out onto the world. When I read Sharon Creech, I long for travel, and stories from grandparents. When I read A Practical Wedding, I’m inspired to journal my thoughts and feeling and channel them into cohesive, creative viewpoints for discussion.
When I listen to the ’50s and ’60s, I’m at home. I’m comfortable, and I want to party and reminisce. When I listen to classical, I usually have something on my mind. When I listen to jazz or musicals, I want to perform and invite drama in. And when I listen to modern music that is new to me… well, it does depend on the song, but usually it’s pretty love it or hate it, and mostly, I just want to skip it.
But I’ve been expanding my reading base, going back over classics I’ve wanted to read or to be able to say that I’ve read. So I felt I should expand my music base…
So I bought the Burlesque Soundtrack CD, and two Grey’s Anatomy (Season 1 and 3). Burlesque has Cher, and Grey’s I already enjoy the snippets of music in the episodes, so I figured, baby steps, right?
So while I don’t enjoy every song, I have found Grace Potter and the Nocturnals Falling or Flying to be interesting. I’m looking forward to cultivating more music around me by artists who are still producing, because as much as I love that which is familiar, I, like all people I know, am constantly changing. And the people and things and art we gather to us should reflect that.
So to one who is fighting the stagnation of her radio, what modern or contemporary artists would you recommend?